Em.

108lb
what i once would call fat
but i feel almost happy.
not happy but not distraught at how obese i am
i will continue to lose weight
without laxitives,
or excessive starving


i still cry
and worry
and hate getting dressed

but i think im winning :)

110lb- 5lb in a day?!
cuts over my legs stopping me from even walking
no gym
nan has cancer



nothings getting better.

i am so fucking lonely, nobody understands.

im beginning to not see the point again.
he's the only thing, and i push him away.
my flatmates are best friends, im only heard when they're taking the piss out of me or im alone with one of them.
one was crying tonight; she ignored my comfort and hugs until the other came and made her feel better.
ive been ignored the past hour except one really nice guy, who probably thinks hes getting sex.
he isnt.
im 113lb.
i want to go home but my parents are away; theyll never let me home again if i go.
its my fault theyre away because they "need a break" from me, despite the fact i live at uni.
ive seen them twice in two weeks for less than 8 hours.
im totally fucking sober.

im fasting for 7 days and throwing all my food out except emergancy apples tomorrow.

i will be 105lb by valentines day; 6 days away.

I have been a fatty. Kinda realised that me losing weight was a coping thing, I was stressed and took it out on myself... 6thform.
Over summer I have gained so much weight, I am now a big fat 113lb.
I want to be thin again.
I'm back at uni, and all my food is under 400cal.
Today so far I have had a cuppa soup (120), water, and a can of diet coke (5).
If I go out I'll let myself have another soup, and an apple (53), which is around 298cal.
If i stay in, I'm only allowed one, depending on how hungry I am and how much my stomach hurts.. so thats either 245cal or 178.
Im hoping for 178.

Under 400cal a day, gym three times a week (weeknights) and only two alcoholic nights where I only drink white wine (80cal a glass).

I want to go gym now but to be honest, I'm being lazy and making the excuse that i shouldnt be running because of being "sore" and "ill".
Guess I have a point considering I cant go to the toilet without almost crying, but I feel lazy.

My goal?
1; 105 by Valentines Day, or at least March.

i cant do this any more
i hate it
im never good enough
and i dont see the point in being here
ive been so close to just breaking down
and i think i am tonight
just sat
fucking crying
for nothn
i hate myself
i hate everything i jsut want to die itd make everybody else feel so much better
my boyfriend could have somebody amazin
like jodie she was obviously good enough to cheat on me with
i cant stop thinking about it
and how he even talks to other girls
im never gonna get over it
or trust him
or anybody else ever
im sch a fat fucking waste of time
i want to disappear
and im goin to after london

i really cant decide which applies; either people are truly shit, or im just truly shit with people. Personally im siding with my first thought, because i actually cannot really stand anybody at the moment, family or friends. Come to think of it, ive barely got anybody left who i can call a real friend. I say the malia 6, and i know they'd be there for me but truly its only lucy and becci; and even them i dont see as often as i want to. Because i pretty much live at jamies. Because i pretty much cant live at home anymore because my parents hate me. Sure they still give me funds (considering my "friend" liam isnt giving me back money he owes me and is avoiding me, despite him having only just been paid), but i cant deal with how they treat me. It might just be me, I cant decide. I think they're just so neurotic, we havent even got a relationship anymore because its all shouting and crying and ultimately me having to leave and stay at jamies or get drunk.
I got thrown out for getting a lip piercing. I justified it by saying they didnt go mad about my tattoo i wasnt allowed (which is true), I'm 18 (their reason for not going mad about my tattoo), and if it offends them i'll live at jamies pretty much all summer. and even if i dont, we never go out as a family and im going to university anyway hopefully. But after being thrown out over the past week and through my exams, i have agreed to take the damn thing out. But still every argument involves the fact i have a hole in my lip and im a disgrace and i digust them. I dont even see why I promised to take it out.
They also use the fact i have eating problems against me.



i cant be arsed with this anymore ugh

FUCKING HELL I JUST WANT TO KILL MYSELF
there is actually no point anymore
i got to 7 stone, 98lb, my actual goal weight
then failed the majority of my exams today
and now i am 7 stone 4 through binging and drinking
4 fucking pounds
im not going to uni
i am not getting skinny
for fucks sake as if 7 stone is actually my goal weight
i want to be six and a half, i want to be six
i want to be fragile
i want to be NONE FUCKING EXISTANT
but i am A FUCKING FAT ASS
i want to break up with my boyfriend because I DONT KNOW
im bored of my life not him but im beign irrational and irritating him
he doesnt fucking want me
ive convinced myself of that
for fucks sake why am i so insane
i hate the fact im even alive to write this self indulgent crap
i hate it and i hate me.
i am not eating and fuck exams and fuck everything.
fuck it fuck it fuck it,





i just wanto to have somebody to talk to without them trying to make me fat or thinking im crazy
i want everything to feel normal again i hate everything more than i could ever describe

"happiness is a state of mind"

I had the weirdest dream, and it was scary because it involved all the things I'm worrying about right now.
I was in NY with our 6thform and some others too, and we were just wandering around until we found some food festival. In my dream I was ok with this so i just followed everybody in; but it wasnt opened yet so we were all stood around the stalls in a big circle. It smelt really nice and looked amazing, all exotic foods from all over the world. As soon as they announced it was open, there was a bang and everything went black and blurred- i was blind. A few friends hung back to try and get me off the floor (must have fallen over), but then my sense of smell went with a massive bang too. They ran off and left me, then as i started trying to find somebody, bang, my hearing went.

So then my dream skips- I'm at home and Im texting my boyfriend constantly because he is being ignorant and not talking to me properly. I told him I was back and I missed him, but he texted back complaining that work didnt need him on friday so he could finish at 7pm, and he was off saturday. I saw this as a chance to see him, and asked if we could do something like go out (he really does work these hours and its rubbish cos it feels like we never have a weekend). But he ignored my texts for hours. Finally I get him to a pub somewhere on the basis that we "talk and discuss things"- where he tells me he's already going to the cinema with somebody else. But he wont tell me who, which gets me so so mad.
At least theres a funny end to my dream- he eventually fesses up that its bubbles from the powerpuff girls that he's going with which makes me laugh- until the girl he stayed in nottingham with walks into the room and sits on his lap and he calls her bubbles.

I hate dreaming about the stuff I worry about most- namely food, friends, and my boyfriend.
I should be in English.


EDIT:9:45p, general studies exam tomorrow and then geog, geog + eng on friday.
I have eaten under 400cal, no carbs for two days, and woke up 100lb but this doesnt seem like an achievement.
No concentration; I am going to fail.
2 more pounds. 2 more pounds.m

i just want to feel that when my boyfriend says he loves me, I'm worthy enough to say it back.
Being the fat, ugly fuck that I am, pushing him away might make him realize that I am not right for him.
I dont deserve him, and likewise he does not deserve somebody like me.
He deserves somebody fagile and delicate and beautiful,
I am just the lump who follows him around.
But I just love him so much, its indescribable, I contradict myself constantly, I wouldnt be here if it wasnt for him.


Any of my friends from the pro-ana community, I am sorry Im not letting myself on until I am 98lb.
I dont feel like i deserve your amazing support and advice,
stay skinny x

it really is time to take control
looking at pictures of girls i want to be
i just realised- it's possible. and im just making excuses for not looking like them
im drinking again- another 1000 liquid calories.
tomorrow is a new start. 500cal. no drink until after my exams. and a new start.
i want to be gorgeous, i will be gorgeous. i want to be fragile, i want to be skinny; i want to be beautiful.
im going to be 98lb if it kills me.



it probably will.

I feel like I'm totally numb about everything. Food; I'm eating. Boyfriend; I love him. Friends; had an amazing night on tuesday. Family; alright because I haven't been home. That sounds like i should be happy but its so strange i just feel numb.
I'm on my period, I weigh 7st7 despite waking up 7st3. But that always happens and I'm not getting upset like I usually would because I'm numb. I'm accepting periods make me gain.
Ive had two litres of cider. I'm not drunk. Just a bit numb. Surely I should be wasted?
I'm just in a really thinky mood.
Do I even want to go to university? I don't do stress. At all. I go into meltdown. Surely it'd be more logical to settle down with my steady boyfriend, get a job get a house have some kids then just die old and content. But I don't feel like thats the right thing to do- really though, neither is uni.
It's stuff like this that makes me tempted to kill myself. Not being really depressed although obviously I think about it in those states. Just not being defined, like right now. And not feeling passionate about anything, or bothered. Everything just runs smoothly, nothing special happens, nothing will; I am nothing special. I am not contributing to anything or anybody. That's the worst feeling, just knowing I wouldnt be missed. Maybe my parents, maybe my boyfriend would miss me. Most people think it selfish to commit suicide. I see it as... ridding people of an inconvenience. I cant comprehend the fact i could cause upset, because I really do think that after six months, a year tops, people would be over it.
I dont know.
My boyfriend is going out tonight without me for the first time in ages.
I hope he has fun.
I hope he meets somebody worthwhile?

its a fat day today! im way beyond 1000cal but i will go to the gym and sleep and feel better if i can manage a fast all weekend :)
although more often than not i am waking up at 100lbs which is miiiint :)
i know its not an excuse but pressure from school and a-levels is stressing me out so much, i cant concentrate at all when im tired so for the time being im happy enough when i eat 700cal a day and wake up 101 or 102lbs. teamed with the gym i think i can get away with it..
nap time :) x

its really all fucked up i cant trust him again as much as i try
i cant even take a fucking compliment without thinking he is taking the piss
i feel naive and stupid, because he feels like he has to cover up going to the pub with a girl
one fucking mate
am i really that paranoid?
i know im not
im paranoid because he lies
and he has before
and he said he wouldnt again
but he did
and even though i know he was with a group of people and her
its the fact he lied about another girl
i dont know what i want anymore
cos now i know he really does lie, not just not tell me stuff like nottingham and hayley.
infact no i knew that because he went away to wales,
now i just have even more reason to believe he's been with other girls
who am i fucking kidding anyway theyre all beautiful and skinny and clever and more interesting and theres just no competition.
i think hes an idiot for believing that id believe he didnt want to sleep with them
comfort ate 4000+ calories
nice and obese
i want to drink my body weight in alcohol,
and stay that way forever, either that or never wake up again
nobody would even miss me thats the pathetic thing
i hardly talk to anybody except my fucking journal and my boyfriend (i used to anyway)
shit nobody even knows i wake up dreading getting out of bed unless i know ill get my hands on alcohol at some point

mess mess mess ramble mess
im going to get wankered.

I got to 100lb and then after a weekend with 4 liters of cider and junk food (fast? 2468? my arse) I got upto 105lbs.
Ive woken up 103lb but I am not eating anything other than fruit and branflakes, and nothing above 500cal.
I confronted Jamie about stuff bothering me with that sarah, and how its all one long chain of shitty fucking events which frankly make me want to curl up and die :/ a bit dramatic maybe, but thats how it feels. Pathetic isnt it, that i rely on a boy so much but he can just... effortlessly lie and somehow manage to convince me it will never happen again.
I think I know it will happen again though, and it's harder than the last times to just get on with it. That stupid doubtful feeling that makes my head spin and my stomach wring wont go away, its horrible.
It's alright when I'm with him. After a night of not touching each other, me being too angry to even look him in the eyes (i only spoke to him when the cider went down..), we went to bed not touching or talking or anything. Until i threw in the idea of breaking it off. It was the hardest and most awful thing I have ever said but after saying it, a feeling of huge relief kinda flooded through me and its worrying. I love him, I just dont trust him. And I feel a fool and almost ashamed of myself everytime he makes me laugh, or makes me feel special, because he's done it to somebody else in the past few months no doubt. And even if he hasnt, thats how it feels, and nothing will convince me otherwise, and thats even more fucked up. It might go away with time but im sure something else will come up and ruin it all. At least he didnt see me cry, it was one time i felt slightly in control and not like a whining, moaning, weeping bitch.
The next morning I felt guilty- fucking god knows why because i did fuck all wrong except not trust him. Which was the right thing to do. So really im not in the wrong at all. But we had sex, and a normal happy morning and a nice normal dinner. I even said I loved him, when i said i wouldnt until i knew how i felt. But at home later, on my own in bed, i started to doubt it all again- and i was pissed off about the fact i gained 5lbs. I really do not know what to do and its making me cry now just thinking about it.
It all had to happen during my a-levels too. Im still fucking trying but i doubt I'll get to sheffield.
I think this journal is one massive incoherent mess. At least me and helen are talking again, I take her for granted as a friend and can't wait to make it up to her. She's just text me this instant- strange.
Im gonna go cry over some essay or other, then probably take the day off 6thform for no reason. Just cos im fucked anyway, mmm.

Oh, and my food plan;
Breakfast; apple (medium, 50cal), green tea, hot chocolate (35cal) = 95cal
Lunch: Green tea x2, grapes or apple depending on my mood (50/60cal) = 155cal
Dinner: Branflakes (200cal), green tea x2, maybe hot chocolate for my cravings (35cal) = 390cal
Every day the next week.
Then the ABC again.

...a lot better since my last entry, i guess everybody has their psycho days.
I lost 2lbs, and got to 100lbs but i have gained it back since. Im looking at it in a different light though; if i have done it once, i will sure as hell do it again! And to be honest the last two days have been one big massive alcohol induced binge. As long as im 98lbs for prom and  Malia, I will be ok. Just so I can stand next to the 5 pretty bitches im going with (L)!
Honestly it baffles me how my mind works. There's only say two that are amazingly skinny, all legs and flat tummys etc; Abby and Abbey. Claudia Becci and Lucy have curves and although I really hate curves (on me!), they look amazing and pull it off perfectly! They're always first pick anyway, although it doesnt bother me too much when I have a boyfriend. It'd be nice to be first once though. They have fit personality syndrome, me and Jamie decided. They are confident and know they can pull, so it shows, and they are instantly attractive; i wouldnt be suprised if jamie wanted a bit of them aha. But that'd just inspire me to look better.
Exams are still stressy. It's even less time until they start and my stomach dips whenever i think about it. Usually I'd be worried but not as badly, id get through them- its just the fact im actually working, and i know im actually a total failure if i dont get to university because its not like im slacking off or anything. Argh. I could work harder though I guess; i didnt revise last night and i should be in the library at school but im at home. No excuses I guess, but ill get back into my two hours a night later on.
In other news, Give It A Name was last night, and wowweee :)! bit gutted mayday parade were on first, i was all sober and self concious (as per!) so i was just watching them like "ooooh". They were good live though, i love them even more now! And they did their 3 best songs; shame lucy or jamie didnt know them aha :(! Well, luce knew one so whatever aha! 4 year strong were pretty good, lots of sweaty boys throwing themselves about; andddd they're supporting NEW FOUND GLORY woop...but meg and dia were aaaaace. They didnt sound like cats! They sang perfectly, and they're stunning, and me and lucy were pretty wankered so the two songs we stayed for were mint(Y) Satans after was quite messy but fun too haha :P ended up on a ring road? And then pushed into a hedge? Cant really remember much, sign of a good night!
I might go and do some work now to be honest, I really need to and theres not much more to ramble about. I hope nobody realises im on LJ, the only reason i cant keep a journal is because my parents will find it, just like they found the last one *anger*.
This was quite pointless...
:)

I feel like utter shit.
I have reached 101lbs with only 3 more to go until my ultimate GW.
which is crap looking back at how long ago my other post was.
A levels are driving me crazy,
and so is this ED

It's pretty much alienating me from my boyfriend, Im pushing him away when all he does is listen to me bitch and whine and moan.
I want him to do something so I can justify feeling this way and being this harsh,
I wish he'd realise what a twat I am so we can just get it over and done with.
I just wish everybody he knew wasnt so much better, or prettier, or skinner, or know him better, or could probably wrap him around their little finger in two seconds flat. And of course I'm saying this with a girl in mind. Two actually.
And his little 3 year old sister has started mixing my name up with one of them. I called him tonight and for the millionth time this month, she's called me "sarah" instead of Emma, and I know he's seen her and stuff. I'm avoiding going to his purely so I dont kick off about it. What hurts the most is she's not even slim.
I'm just the little cute girl who's just been there for the past two years. Or, thats what it feels like.
I want to be amazing and I want to make him say wow, I want him to WANT to call me or text me, not just reply to me.
I wake up almost everyday half expecting to find him in nottingham sharing a bed with another girl again, like last year.
Its selfish, I should have so much more faith.
I just really want to feel safe, or that somebody likes me.

And no matter what anybody says I'm not going to get into university, purely because I'm too stupid.
Despite revising, nothing goes in because im too worried about calorie intakes or how chubby my wrist looks when I write. I get more and more wound up, shout and then give up frustrated.
I need to get away its just not going to happen

I feel really alone for the first time ever.
Im fucking going insane :/
I really cant be arsed writing any more.